Autism

  Elias was diagnosed with autism yesterday........I'm still trying to digest what it all means...... I'm stuck in the denial phase.......The red flags are there; I know something is wrong, but is it really autism? According to his doctors and the ADOS test it is.....

  I want to climb a mountain and scream at the top of my lungs!...I want to cry, but for some reason I can't...... I keep trying to tell myself that Eli is still the same precious child he was before the diagnosis...We are still the same family that we were before.....But it all feels so different now......

  All I can think of right now is when I worked at New Kent Elementary School in Virginia.....I was hired to be a second grade paraprofessional, but some funds fell through and the only position available was in the special needs preschoool department. I worked with three different little boys with Autism. I remember how it felt the first day of school and meeting the boys.....  I couldn't get any eye contact, much less get them to say my name....I went home and cried. There is something about working at a school and hearing the children say your name with enthusiasm, seeing them smile ear-to-ear when they see you......the hugs....the kisses -that's why I loved working at a school. But in the Rainbow Hall, it was different. Each day was a struggle.....I so wanted to love these little boys and I wanted them to love me back....but they just didn't know how to show it.

  In November, the funds came through, and I was offered my original position back. I was ready to leave the Rainbow Hall and run to the second grade Yellow Hall, but I had fell in love with these boys, the teachers, and the other paraprofessionals I worked with, so I stayed... And thank God I did..... I learned more from those three little boys than any college degree could have ever taught me. It was the little things that mattered- Tiny.little.things. I will never forget when I heard one of the boys say my name for the first time..... I used to push him on the swing every afternoon while we were waiting for his mom to pick him up. One day he just said it-"Jessica." I still giggle when I think of his cute little voice I rarely got to hear......It was like winning the jack-pot! I couldn't wait to tell his mom. His mom....now that I think about it, she was such an inspiration. She was always smiling, and she looked at her son as if he was still a darling little newborn- Pure love and affection. I remember how I never envied any of the parents......I always wondered how did they do it? How did they stay strong? And now, I am one of them.

  I don't want to feel sorry for myself or for our family .....or for  Eli...I don't want anyone to feel sorry for us...... I've  always known God gave me my brother, Adam, who has Downs syndrome for a reason, as he directed me towards the job in Virginia for a reason......And now he has given me Eli for a reason. I'm going to take this gift with open arms and let God lead the way......